ashram school dropout...

ahhh for sooo many reasons rob and julie and I only lasted one measly day. It was a long day so at least there was that and the day definetly left an impression, so there's also that...

Here's some context. It was a yoga retreat with meditation and breathing excercises. The day began at 5:30 am and went straight through till 10:30 pm. I don't think that I gave this part much thought. Part of me still thinks that I'm the young spry spring bunny that was able to pull three all nighters a week for a good GPA. Alas, I have since decided that nothing is worth my mental and physical health and stability, the GPA wasn't worth it and I can't think of much that would be. And I'll tell you something else, sitting in the dark chanting in sanskrit about the great pumpkin reeper is remarkably not the thing thats gonna sell me. Here's a big old f to that.

Moreover, there was also a vipassana retreat going on in the same center. A vipassana is a retreat in which people take a vow of silence for 10 days in an effort to meditate and quiet the mind and all that. I think thats awesome. Really. My cousin Dana has done one, my Uncle Ori as well. I would even do one. BUT what they don't tell you is that you in addition to being silent must also become a zombie. This place was crawling with people who were walking around like the living dead. eyes fixed on nothing, moving slower than most things standing still. I spent the entire day trying to pick which person would try and eat my heart while I slept--NOT MEDITATIVE FOR ME.

So there was that. The guru also seemed a little too viappassana'd out. A little slow with most things. Not the most communicative. Well that was until we decided we wanted to leave, and then her whole shanti shanti thing became angry capitalist in under a second. Anyways, Julie decided that she would pretend that she was a journalist undercover. Rob thought of hinself as a prison inmate. I thought it was strange that we were not only choosing a reality, but paying for one in which we had to create stories to tell ourselves to even make it tolerable. Nonetheless, I was on Ashram Survivor, constantly trying to figure out who would be the first one to be voted off the ashram, or better yet who would snap under the pressures of the meditation work load which turned out to be even more demanding than we had anticipated. I thought for sure that Johan would be the first to drop. He made the worst face when they slopped different colored liquid onto our army metal trays and called it food. He also was the one who farted in the yoga class--there always has to be one. But it wasn't johan. It was this lovely lady silca.

It was really hard to tell cause everyone was talking smack about it. Well not everyone, there was the elderly lady who grunted like she was having sex with every single yoga posture--also not relaxing for the rest of us! I also thought that the obnoxious french guy would be the second to go. During the question and answer at the end of the night when we were all incredibly eager to get to bed, he decided he wanted to have the floor so that he could preach in poor english about how the west bastardizes the purity of yoga and that he knows the purity of yoga and all these other people dont have the spiritual purity that he has. I agreed... if by spiritual purity he meant ardent arrogance and hypocracy, he had loads. I thought he would be voted off the ashram. But it wasn't him who left. It was us. We went into town for some supplies because there was no way we were gonna make it through the week without snacks and water bottles. I found myself running around as if I had just gotten out of jail, and I;ve been in jail so I know what it means to run around like you've just gotten out. It occurred to me that unlike the last time, i could choose not to spend my travels in "jail." I asked rob and julie what they were looking for from the ashram and they said discipline. I said f that. Most of you know, especially the family, that I have spent most of my life fighting off those who want to tell me how to live my life. Self determination, empowerment, self discipline, agency, these are the things that make me happy-not some zombie telling me how to become a zombie. I went to the ashram for convenience (yoga and meditation and all that in one place), I went for expertise, for the knowledge of a guru, and for the isolation of being able to be with myself. These things were not provided for me so I left. Rob and Julie decided that the discipline was not for them, so they left as well.

Ahhh, it was only 24 hours but I'll tell you it was a long long 24 hours. So I'm out now and much happier, i'm taking a vedic philosophy course and will begin checking out yoga teachers and doing my own practice. I spent this afternoon celebrating the 102 birthday of a famous guru by singing and chanting with him and recieving puja and halvah from him. and life is available to me again and it makes me happy. the ashram was an interesting experience and I'm happy for that. but I am also glad that it is over and that it only lasted for 24 hours.